They’re on their honeymoon
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t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Shower sex be like:
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.