Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
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Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Shower sex be like:
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.