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I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
There’s only one good girl here!
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
This classic never gets old . . .
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy: