By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
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Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.