Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
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So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Need this in my life lol
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?