At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
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[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
lol
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
omg leave her alone
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
WWE is French for “yes”
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.