Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
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Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.