[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
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The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
I have a black belt in leather
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.