H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
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I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
My flabber has been gasted.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
So inspired right now.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do