Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
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Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’