interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
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EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Hello, my name is Pierre.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Are you ok, human???
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???