My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
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Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”