JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
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Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards