My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
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You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do