The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
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[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
In Canada they just call them geese
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…