I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
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The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
You saw nothing. I am ham.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”