I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
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“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
The French word for sex is croissant.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.