My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
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Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]