My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
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United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
This guy’s not having it 😆
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.