Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
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[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Worst Native American name ever.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”