*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
You Might Also Like
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Lucky for them, they’re cute
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Does it…does it take 3 days
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
i choose….tongue