Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
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they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
The first one, obviously
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Lmao
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out