I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
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Still cracks me up
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.