ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
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I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.