Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
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olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
what could possibly go wrong?
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.