One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
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[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
japanese corn
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.