Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
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He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works