[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
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I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job