Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
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*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.