pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
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MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you