Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
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If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Storm Tropical Storm
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.