cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
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Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice