*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
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I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
This dude got his own movie?
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”