I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
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SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.