Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
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People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Pigeon open mic night.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”