Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen
![]()
You Might Also Like
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
![]()
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
We’ve come full circle
![]()
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.