[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
You Might Also Like
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!