I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
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Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Saturday
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.