a badder mouse
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Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.