Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
You Might Also Like
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.