When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
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*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone