Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
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Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
LA today:
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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