MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
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St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
what does he know…
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
what
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow