A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
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cats when you pet them too long:
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography