Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
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BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
I need a headline like this
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.