Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
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How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”