Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
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Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
2022 will be better than 2021
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab