A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
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A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
I just love that new Pope smell.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?