The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
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[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.