I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
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We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV